Told Anonymously in First PersonThis story takes place in the months leading up to the release of Star Wars Episode 1. The movie was hyped beyond any film in history, and while nobody knew anything about it, Episode One was shaping up to be a Star Wars fan’s miracle. Prior to Episode One, fans were limited to three movies that they had exhausted through toys, literature, clothing, and Special Editions. The three prequels promised something better than any limited edition Darth Vader toy ever could provide, brand new material.
Meet Joe Black was a success because fans paid to see the Episode One trailer and left before the movie started. My good friend Tony was one of those fans. He had Star Wars toys, still in their boxes, lining his room like wallpaper. He had been a devout, even stubborn Star Wars collector all his life, and my excitement for Episode One was because of Tony. The first time we walked into our local grocery and saw Pepsi-endorsed Star Wars Episode One cardboard cutouts, I saw pervasive marketing. Tony saw something else, a new collector’s item.
Pepsi produced many characters into cardboard cutouts. The most common were Obi Wan Kenobi, Darth Maul, and Jar Jar Binks. The less common were Qui-Gon Jinn, battle droid, and Queen Amidala. Paul, another friend of ours, joined Tony and I as we drove from store to store, looking for characters. Paul was the person who took things too far. The kind of guy who does outrageous, hilarious, and extremely offense things to get attention, like coming up with a joke for a dead celebrity on the very day they died (i.e. “Steve Irwin always had a soft spot in his heart for stingrays.”). Adam, a star athelete and friend, also joined us. We staked out twenty stores in three days; checking for security cameras, greeters, and how far the cutout was from the exit.
At first we took cutouts that were low risk; the ones next to the exits. We scooped up a couple Darth Mauls and one Obi Wan. Tony drove an old truck with a long bed, so the night time scheme was for Tony to park the truck near the exit as me, Paul, or Adam grabbed the cutout and ran like hell out of the store. We threw the cutout in the bed of the truck, then hopped in and Tony sped off. It was a lot like a beer run, except we were stealing Star Wars cardboard cutouts.
If grocery stores have two entrances, then one of those entrances close at night to control the store. There were a couple instances were Paul somehow figured out how to unlock those doors from the inside. We executed a plan where Paul stood around the locked exit doors until Adam gave Paul the signal that he was going to steal the cutout. At that instance, Paul unlocked the doors and Adam grabbed the cutout, leaving unnoticed. Sometimes Tony did the stealing, and someone else would drive Tony’s truck. It was kind of a rule that you had to take the one you wanted. Tony got his Qui Jon that way and Adam had a Darth Maul that way. Paul had three cutouts, but he wasn’t preserving them, he stole for the thrill of it.
We occasionally ran into problems. One night, Tony pulled the truck up to the front of a store as Adam and I were inside, ready to take a Battle Droid. It was around midnight, and the store greeter was also a shelf loader. He was a young guy and he was immediately suspicious of Adam and I. The greeter walked outside and saw Tony sitting behind the wheel of a running truck. Tony knew that the greeter knew, but if Tony drove forward, then the greeter would be able to get his license plate (our state isn’t required to have front license plates, just back). So Tony put his truck in reverse and backed all the way out of an empty parking lot and got away. It looked extremely suspicious, but Tony got away cleanly. I told Adam we should leave the store and as we did, the greeter stopped us and told us to empty our pockets. We didn’t have anything on us and he let us go. Adam and I walked a good measure of the way home before Tony found us and picked us up. Low risk jobs often had their complications, but when we saw the most badass of all Jedi, we knew we would take our biggest risk yet.
One day, Adam walked into a grocery store near ASU. Since the store is near campus, they have double the security to reduce constant beer runs. The store had twice the greeters, twice the cameras, and for the first time, a third party security guard. Normally, the cardboard cutouts are near the front of the store, so when Adam didn’t immediately see a display, he thought this store didn’t have them. Adam continued to walk to the other side of the grocery store and he cut through the store’s median partition. This main street center aisle had all the elaborate displays that are normally in the front. Adam spotted stacked Pepsi boxes, moved quickly, and that’s when he saw it - Mace Windu standing majestically on a stage of Diet Pepsi 12 packs.
The rule was the first person to see the cutout got first dibs, and Adam wanted Mace Windu. Tony was jealous at first, but got over it and realized it’s better to have Adam own it than the store. Tony and I were very excited about taking Mace Windu and we went to the store to scope it out. Paul was out of town at the time, and it was probably a good thing he wasn’t here for this, he was too much of a wild card. We walked in the store and right away, red flags popped up. It was a trap; it’s distance plus security. By the time security figures out that you’re stealing, they still have time to do something about it. The only good news about this store was that it was 24 hours.
We started drawing out plans of execution like the hood version of Ocean’s 11. Adam went to the store at 4:30 AM and simply watched what happens between 4:30 AM and 5:00 AM. Our plans often got too elaborate and we would have to simplify, making the plan stronger and less contingent. We planned on the days leading up to the heist, and the night before, Adam and I spent the night at Tony’s. It was a Saturday night, and we talked about the plan excitedly. I decided to go to bed early, get a little rest and then wake up and be ready, but Adam and Tony stayed up all night. We left Tony’s house at 4:00AM, making sure not to wake up his parents. I was alert, too excited to sleep.
We got to the store around 4:15AM. We parked in an adjacent parking lot and went over the plan again. I was the driver, waiting in the store’s parking lot until I got a signal. Inside, Adam was going to snatch Mace Windu when Tony gave him a signal from the front of the store, signaling that it was relatively safe. Tony would also signal me by tying his shoe and that would cue me to start his truck and drive to the front. It was 4:30AM, our go time. We figured the partiers have all passed out by now, and morning churchgoers haven’t left the house. There was an immediate problem. A paper delivery truck parked in the front where I was supposed to pick up the guys. We decided to wait it out. Twenty minutes went by and we started to worry how long this would take. We debated aborting the entire plan, but before we had to come to that decision, the paper truck left. We obscured Tony’s license plate with scraps of palm tree. We hopped in Tony’s truck and drove to the store’s parking lot. All those hours of planning have led to this.
We parked away from the entrance to hide the truck. Tony turned off the engine and left the keys in the ignition. I slid over to the driver’s seat as Tony and Adam got out and walked to the store. Tony and Adam disappeared inside the store. I waited there for a couple minutes with my fingers on the ignition key, ready to start the truck once I got the signal. Five minutes pass and I wondered what’s going in there. It was almost 5:00AM, the dangerzone. Finally, Adam walked near the entrance of the store and bent down to tie his shoe. I got the signal and Adam walks away from the entrance. I flip the key in the ignition.
It doesn’t start. I tried again. Nothing. You old piece of fucking shit truck, I don’t know how to finesse you! I got nothing from the engine and I'm afraid I flooded the engine, so I give it a break. I heard an alarm go off. I looked up and saw Tony and Adam running like hell out of the store, Adam holding the Mace Windu cutout. Adam ran slower than normal because of Mace Windu’s wind drag. I saw a few people at the entrance, staring, and one store employee giving chase. I finally got the truck to start once Tony and Adam got to me. They hopped in the bed and I took off, speeding away in an empty parking. The guy chasing us looked at our license plate, but saw that it’s concealed. I turned for the exit, thinking we’ve made it, when there’s an old Buick blocking our path, trying to make a left. Two of the Earth’s oldest people are in that Buick and they are taking forever to make a simple left turn, while the guy who’s chasing us is catching up quickly. The Buick gave me just enough room and I jumped the curb to make the right and we took off. Tony and Adam lied perfectly flat on the bed with Mace, so the bed looked empty. I drove to our safe point and Tony took over the wheel. I told him about what the truck did and why I wasn’t at the front. “Oh yeah, it does that.” Tony said nonchalantly.
Although it didn’t go exactly the way we planned, Mace Windu was ours. We were days away from ending our junior year in high school and best of all, Episode One was coming out on the last day of school. We bought tickets for the noon showing. By this point, everyone was ready to crap his or her pants waiting for this movie, including me, someone who’s not even a Star Wars guy. Tony ditched his last final to see the film, he could have got an A in the class but took a B instead. I watched the film with my friends, and it was awesome but also kind of under whelming. Over the months, Paul and I saw that this film, and even the hype, was a farce. Episode One had good moments, but how can one ever forgive Jar Jar Binks?
Paul kept a sun-stained Darth Maul in his backyard. One rainy night, he dropkicked Darth Maul in half. Eventually the cardboard dried up and he was left with two pieces of trash in his backyard. I heard something Paul did that I’m not sure is true (but any unbelievable story involving Paul is usually true). Months after the Pepsi promotion was over, Paul duct taped the two Darth Maul halves together and put it back in the very store he stole it from.
All of the cutouts were destroyed one way or another, but today, Tony has his Qui-Gon Jin and Adam has the Mace Windu.
Youth Of The Beast
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